Dining out.

There's just something pleasant about having someone else do the cooking, serving, and cleaning up after. Whether you're eating at an upscale restaurant, taking a client out to lunch, having supper with friends at a local restaurant, or having pizza with your kids, dining out is something that most people like. As long as we use good table manners, we're ready to go—right?

Not quite. You learn to hold your utensils or glance at the setting on the table, but it begins there. The more upscale the restaurant, the more you need to be aware of good etiquette. But good manners are just as effective at a café as a very fancy restaurant.

In addition to basic table manners, one must also know how to make a reservation, how to deal with waiters, read the table setting, order, handle problems, and pay the bill. If you're dining or inviting others to dine in a restaurant, there are more rules. This chapter will leave you feeling confident and able to enjoy a night out.

Making reservation

Reserving a table is usually wise—and if you're the host, it's a requirement. When you make the call, you can ask:

Policy regarding reservations and seating for incomplete parties

Parking

Dress code

Payment methods (credit cards accepted?)

Style of cuisine

Separate checks

Service charges for large groups

Cancellation policy

Some restaurants are not above taking a credit card to hold a reservation in place. If you don't cancel on time, you'll be hit with an additional charge.

Arriving at the Restaurant

Your first impression starts with the greeting by staff. If needed, thank the valet and tip on return of the vehicle.

Silence your phone before entering. Next, smile and greet the host or maître d'. If you've reserved a table, let them know: "We have a reservation under Smith." If not, state the table: "Table for four, please."

If they have a coat check, use it—especially for large items. Women do bring purses with them, but either at feet or lap (not table or chair back).

If your party arrives at different times:

Hold back and allow the first one in unless the venue is filling up.

Once two people are there, they can sit down and alert the host that more are on the way.

Being Seated

Women follow the maître d’; men follow the women.

If you’re unhappy with the table location, ask politely for another. If they can’t accommodate, accept it graciously.

Choosing Seats:

The host usually assigns seats.

In casual settings, alternate seating (men/women) and avoid seating couples together.

Women usually get the better views or sit on the banquette side of the table.

The host and hostess often sit opposite each other.

Menus are usually passed out once all the diners are seated.

At the Table

In formal events, you will notice:

A service plate (for appetizers)

A bread plate (located at top left)

One or two place settings of flatware (extra utensils are brought with later courses)

Wine, water, or champagne glasses

A napkin (either put on the plate or to the left of forks)

Place your napkin in your lap when you sit down. Black napkins are occasionally given at fancier places to avoid white lint on dark clothes.

Dealing with Waitstaff

The way you treat your server will greatly impact how well your meal goes. Be courteous and polite:

Greet your server.

Use "please" and "thank you" occasionally.

Look them in the eye when they speak.

Be ready to order when they return.

Avoid delaying service by chatting or frequently changing your mind.

To get your server's attention, raise your hand slightly or look at them. Do not snap fingers or wave.

Ordering Food and Drinks

Be respectful and considerate when ordering:

If you need extra time, let the server know.

Closing your menu tells the server that you're ready to order.

If you need separate checks, let them know before ordering.

People paying separately should order separately.

Ordering Drinks:

A host can start by asking guests what they like.

Arriving guests late can order when the server returns.

Ordering Food:

Ask prices on specials or market price items.

Guests don't have to discuss prices—let the host do that.

It's fine to ask the server for recommendations or information on ingredients.

You don't have to mirror the number of courses others order.

Ask to share a dish or request substitutions nicely.

Choose foods that are easy to eat if you want to focus on conversation.

Tip: Avoid complicated dishes (like lobster or artichokes) at business or formal meals unless you know how to prepare them.

Ordering Wine

Wine will be served along with the meal, so order it once you've decided what meal you're having. You can:

Choose a wine that goes with most foods

Ask your guests or server what they like or recommend

Ask the wine steward (sommelier) for advice

Don't feel forced to choose an expensive wine—many moderately priced wines are of top quality.

Wine Service

The server holds the bottle out to confirm your order.

If it's next year or wine, they have to explain why.

You will be given a small amount of it to taste. Swirl, sniff, then sip. If it's acceptable, let them know.

If you don't want wine, simply say no when asked—no glass need be overturned.

Next, the server refills the rest of the glasses, starting with guests and ending with the orderer. If the server doesn't come back, it is up to the orderer to refill glasses.

Being Served

Much food is served to your left, and beverages are filled to your right. Dishes also are removed from the right.

You may be served in the following ways:

A full plate from the kitchen

Table-side preparation (such as flambé dishes)

Family-style, platters passed around

If You're Asked to Choose Wine.

If you're not familiar with wine and are asked to choose, tell the truth: "I don't know a lot about wine—perhaps you should choose." It is better to seek help than to hazard a guess.

To feel more at ease, learn about some of the well-known wines like Cabernet, Pinot Noir, Chardonnay, and Sauvignon Blanc. Most fine wines are affordable, so don't assume that quality must be high cost.

Start-to-Finish Restaurant Etiquette

For further details, read the article on table manners. However, a quick overview of the highlights for eating out:

Napkin Use

Put your napkin on your lap shortly after sitting.

A waiter can do it for you.

When you leave the table or have finished your meal, fold your napkin (with concealed stains) loosely and place it to the left of your plate.

Some restaurants will refold your napkin and place it in your chair or offer you a new one when you return.

Bread and Butter

Bread and butter might possibly be already placed at the table or served shortly after sitting down.

If there is bread going around in front of you, pass it first before you take yours. Have others enjoy the last piece before you take it.

Pass the left first at big tables, serve yourself, then right.

Bread plate is where you put bread, butter, dips, and small foods.

Don't leave the half-torn bread in the basket. If you touch it, take it.

Break one at a time, butter, and eat.

If an uncut loaf is served, the host or the nearest person should slice a few pieces using the knife and a napkin to hold the loaf.

First Courses

Use the outermost fork on the left for appetizers. If you’re eating shellfish, use the small fork on the far right.

For soup, use the soup spoon provided, or the one to the right of the knives if it’s already set.

Pass serving dishes like antipasti with serving utensils. Pass around the plate so the next person can help themselves.

If you don't have a special appetizer plate, use your bread plate.

Resting Your Utensils

Where you place your utensils tells the server if you are done or not:

Still eating: place fork and knife in an upside-down "V" or diagonally across the top of your plate.

Done: place them side by side, diagonally from the center of the plate, akin to the placement of hands on a clock at 4:20.

Don't place unclean utensils on the table.

If asked to share your utensils for use with the subsequent course and you prefer clean ones, politely request. If they say no, place them on your bread plate or other clean area.

Main Courses

When food is served at different times:

If the hot food is taking too long for some, the host (or guests) should remind those who were served to eat.

If all of the food is cold, wait until everyone has been served.

Sending food back:

Send food back only if it's the wrong food, not made as ordered, tastes bad, or has something unclean in it. Speak calmly and gently to the server.

Side dishes:

You may eat directly from small individual plates or spoon the food onto your plate using a fork or a spoon. 

You may have the server do this for you to have the table less messy. 

Tasting other people's food:

Quietly sharing bites is fine. 

Use your bread plate to take or give a bite.

Never feed others with your fork or spoon food from their plate.

Don't exchange food during business lunches unless you're all familiar with each other.

Sharing plates:

If you're sharing dishes intentionally (like at a tapas restaurant), pass to each other from your plate to their plate first before eating.

Taking leftovers home:

It's generally okay to ask for a "to-go" bag.

More and more restaurants are forcing people to pack up themselves these days.

Don't ask for one at business lunches, weddings, or hosted events.

It’s fine to ask if dining with a close friend and you’re paying separately. But if they’re hosting, leave leftovers behind.

Condiments

Salt, pepper, and butter are usually on the table. Other condiments are served individually.

Never dip into shared condiments—spoon some onto your plate.

Cream and sugar for coffee or tea may be passed around or served by the staff.

Finger Bowls, Towels, and Wipes

In formal restaurants, you can receive finger bowls following the entrée. Dip each hand individually, then blot with your napkin.

Steamed towels may be presented. Clean your hands and mouth lightly, but not your whole face. Place it to the left of your plate once you've used it.

In casual environments, you might receive a packaged towelette. Use it after you eat, then put it (and the package) on your plate.

Fruit and Cheese Courses

A fruit course may be served with salad, after the main meal, or as dessert.

If you’re given whole fruit, cut it into quarters, then smaller bites, and eat with a knife and fork.

The cheese course usually comes before dessert. A server will present a selection and may offer advice.

Soft cheeses: use a knife and fork. Hard cheeses: fingers are fine.

Enjoy cheese with crackers or bread, starting with weaker cheeses and ending with stronger ones.

Dessert

Dessert menus are served after the main course. It's fine to order dessert or to share—waiters will provide extra plates.

Some surroundings already have a dessert fork and spoon placed above the dinner plate; otherwise, they'll be brought with dessert.

Use the most suitable utensil, and use the other one to help push food as needed.

Coffee and Tea

These are usually offered to other people, but if a pot is sitting on the table, the person nearest should serve others and herself last.

Don't invert your cup if you don't want any. You can simply say, "No thank you."

No dunking cookies or other foods—except in a coffee shop.

Conversation at Dinner

Good conversation can make a meal enjoyable, even when the food isn't great.

Steer away from boring or complaining topics.

Speak to the folks on either side of you and across from you. Listen, think first, and don't talk too loudly—there are other tables discussing.

Elbows on the Table?

The rule mostly applies to eating.

Having your elbows on the table when you're not actively using utensils and talking is fine—it shows you care.

Don't lean on elbows during eating or slouching—it looks uninterested.

Leaving the Table

If you have to step back, just say, "Excuse me." You don't apologize unless it counts. 

Never get up without words.

Fold your napkin and place it on the left side of your plate.

     

Grooming at the Table

Grooming occurs in the bathroom—not the table.

Quickie lipstick touch-up without a mirror is fine in informal gatherings with friends—not business or formal dining.

Don’t fix your hair, use a comb, or floss at the table.

Never use toothpicks at the table either.

Running Into Friends at the Restaurant

If a friend stops by and you’re dining with only one or two others, introduce them.

At larger tables, introductions aren’t always expected unless it feels like they should happen.

For a longer chat, step away from the table.

It's polite to stand when you're being introduced—especially at business meals—unless you're at a booth or standing would be awkward.

When you see friends while seated, you can tell your group that you'll "be there in a minute"—but don't stick around.

Don't keep your group waiting too long to talk.

 

Favorite Restaurant Challenges—What to Do

Dropped Something?

Don't place a dropped utensil on the table once more—alert your server so that it can be refilled. If it is something that could cause a person to trip, pick it up at once.

You may quietly pick up a dropped napkin if it is within easy reach; otherwise, just ask for a new one. If food is spilled on the ground, let the staff know so they can mop it. 

Dirty Fork or Glass?

Ask your server quietly for a clean one. Don’t try to wipe it off or point it out to the whole table.

Hair or Insect in Food?

Calmly let your server know. Avoid making a scene—just quietly ask for a replacement or something else. Encourage your companions to keep eating.

Food on Someone’s Face?

Discreetly point it out—say “You’ve got something on your cheek” or subtly gesture. It’s kind, not rude.

Spilled a Drink?

Apologize and set the glass up right away. Spill-proof the area with your napkin and wave for the server to come over. If you spilled on someone's clothing, offer to help cover the cost of cleaning.

Server Takes Your Plate Too Soon?

Tell them: "I'm not quite done yet." When you're done but others haven't finished, tell them you'd rather wait until everyone's finished.

Things Not to Do at the Table

Slouching or fidgeting

Making loud chewing or eating noises with your mouth full

Blowing your nose at the table

Toying with your hair or face

Brushing between your teeth or flossing your teeth

Pushing your plate away from you once you've finished eating

Host And Guest Etiquette At A Restaurant

If You're the Host

Tell them you're paying: "Please be my guest."

Choose a restaurant that your guests will like and accommodates their dietary needs.

Make a reservation in advance and arrive early to arrange payment or parking.

Greet visitors warmly and lead them to the table.

Encourage them to order freely, but not at the cost of a guilty conscience.

Handle order mistakes quietly and graciously.

Pay the bill discreetly—do not show the amount or minimize the cost.

If You're the Guest

Accept the invitation graciously and on time.

Do not order before the host (except when told to do so).

Follow the lead set by the host in ordering liquids or food.

Avoid the most expensive items unless the host insists.

If the host is treating, don't complain—simply thank them sincerely, and then follow up with a thank-you note or message.

Be Considerate of Others in the Restaurant

Silence your phone.

Avoid getting too rowdy or raucous.

Avoid taking over the room—private rooms are for big parties.

Keep children seated and behaved.

Paying the Bill

If you're hosting, inform the staff in advance that the bill should be sent to you.

Pre-pay or pay off-table quietly.

Never show the bill—keep it private.

For groups of individuals consuming, either split even or everyone pays individually. If an individual orders significantly less, it is okay to request separate bills.

Cash Payment? If you'd like to tip with what's remaining, tell them "Keep the change."

Dutch treat?

Everyone pays via themselves in this situation. Standard in friend groups or among casual social gatherings, but on dates or for business meals, the inviter covers.

Casual Dining Etiquette

Buffet:

Take small portions—you can get more.

Push used plates out of the way for staff to collect.

10–15% is enough as a tip for limited service.

Cafeteria:

Ideally ask first before sitting with a group.

No tipping required unless someone at your table refills drinks.

Diners/Delis:

If table service, apply normal restaurant etiquette.

No table service? Order at the counter and bus your own table.

Tips are always appreciated for good service, especially if you're a regular.

Fast Food:

Be respectful and courteous—don't make calls on the phone while ordering.

Clean up after yourself.

Use please and thank you—etiquette matters, even at the drive-thru.

Dining with Kids

Young children aren't always ready for fancy dining—choose family-friendly restaurants.

Set expectations in advance: sit quietly, speak softly.

Bring quiet playthings or coloring books.

Order them fast and quickly.

If they are naughty, take them outside immediately. If the bad behavior doesn't stop, be prepared to leave.

Teach them to provide space and silence to other customers.

Waiting in Line Etiquette

Don't be in a constant line-switching mode.

Let friends join you at the table, but not in line.

Have your order ready when you reach the counter.

Move away if waiting for something so others can order.

Giving Feedback: Complaining and Praise

Restaurant managers and servers do the best they can to get customers satisfied—but people will more likely complain than complain. That does not indicate that you shouldn't complain if something is wrong. In fact, restaurants need people to inform them that there is a problem so they can fix it.

If you do have a complaint, be quiet and polite about it so as not to disrupt the other patrons. Start out by talking to the offending party—i.e., your server. If that doesn't lead to a correction, then okay, go talk to a manager.

Keep in mind that inexcusable slowness of service is not always your server's fault. The kitchen may be behind, and occasionally the restaurant is understaffed. If that seems to be the case, it is better to complain to the manager, not to berate the server, who probably is as frustrated as you.

Most restaurants will offer you an apology and possibly take the item from your bill for a legitimate complaint. For instance, if your meal is too salty, your waiter might explain, "Sorry about that. I'll speak with the chef and remove that from your bill. Would you like to have something different instead?"

If you bring a legitimate problem to their attention and get no response or solution, you have a few choices:

If your server was the cause of the problem, you can lower your tip a bit—but not by less than 10%.

If the food or service was poor but not the fault of your server, you can return to the restaurant or decide not to.

It is up to how your complaint is treated by the staff.

On the other hand, don't forget to express gratitude when they do get things right. A kind word and a decent tip will carry a long way. Giving a statement like "That was wonderful service" or "The meal was amazing" is a big morale-booster for people who are putting in an effort.

You may also ask your server to pass along your compliments to the chef if you enjoyed what you've had. Restaurant managers and servers always welcome compliments—and it's never too soon to offer them.