The good conversationalist.

Everyday Conversation: The Basics

Being great at everyday conversation is simply a matter of talking and listening in turns—sharing your own ideas while showing genuine interest in the other. It's catch: the goal is to keep the momentum going.

You don't have to be brutally hilarious or tell wonderful anecdotes every time. Good conversation is just a matter of being clear, friendly, and a good listener. It also doesn't hurt to listen to the way your words and tone sound as you're saying them—sometimes an ill-chosen word will bewilder or infuriate, even if you mean well.

Key Habits of a Good Conversationalist

Think before you talk. Observe how your words are to be received. Take, for example, not dwelling so much on your child winning awards if you are talking to someone without children—try another crowd.

Listen attentively. Many people are so busy thinking about what they're going to say when it comes their turn that they really do not hear what the other is saying. Avoid being one of them by actually listening. 

Tips for Better Listening

Clear your mind and focus on the speaker.

Stare at them and use short comments like "Really?" or "I see" to show interest.

Once you get a hang of their speech rate, it is easier to respond spontaneously without interrupting.

If you are not clear about what they say, politely ask them to explain: "Wait—did you mean the sun revolves around the earth?"

Handling Interruptions

Only cut in if it's absolutely necessary, and always begin with something like "Sorry to interrupt, but."

If you get interrupted, wait a couple of seconds before continuing. A gentle wave of the hand can serve as a sign that you'd like to continue.

Don't snap, "Stop interrupting"—it just makes it worse.

Respecting Personal Space

Maintain a comfortable distance—about 18 inches apart is a good guideline, although this changes with culture and personal preference.

If standing, lean forward a bit to hear but don't push into the other person.

Be respectful to disabled individuals—don't expect them to stand all day to visit with you, and shift so they can easily talk with you.

Body Language Matters

What your body does may speak as loud as your words. These are key tips:

Posture: Standing or sitting up straight shows you're interested and respectful. Slumping makes you appear lazy or bored.

Facial expressions: A genuine smile is warm, but artificial or habitual smiling is not. A frown may send the wrong signal even if your tone is welcoming.

Eye contact: Staring someone down is attentive. Just don't stare—a quick break in eye contact can prevent the moment from getting uncomfortable.

Gestures: Use hand gestures in moderation. Fidgeting (with accessories, pens, or keys) is distracting.

Nodding: It means you're with them, not necessarily that you agree. Too much nodding looks insincere.

Pointing: Avoid it—it has a tendency to sound rude and can alienate others.

Your Voice and Word Choices

Volume: Loud enough to be heard, but not so loud that it sounds aggressive.

Pace: Don't talk too fast (can't keep up with you) or too slowly (too boring).

Tone: Mix your voice to make it stay interesting—don't sound like you're reading from a script.

Enunciation: Pronounce words clearly. Avoid mumbling, but don’t over-enunciate to the point of sounding unnatural.

Accent: Don't be ashamed of your accent. Speak clearly and repeat yourself if necessary. Never mock or call attention to someone else’s accent.

Vocabulary: Use the right word, not the fanciest one. Speak plainly and naturally—avoid sounding overly formal or “showy.”

Common Speech Habits to Avoid

Overusing filler words like “um,” “like,” “y’know.”

Saying "awesome," "great," "literally," or "actually" constantly.

Mixing up words—like using "lay" instead of "lie," or using "me" instead of "I."

Using big words when little ones will do—like using "retire" instead of "go to bed."

When Someone Looks Distracted

If someone keeps looking away while you’re talking, it’s okay to call attention to it politely. Stop mid-sentence, glance in the same direction, and ask, “Is something happening over there?” This might gently bring their attention back to you.

Extra Tips for Smooth Conversations

Know when to stop. Talking too much can seem self-centered. Talking too little may seem cold. Aim for balance—speak, but let others talk too.

Don't hijack stories. Let people share their own experiences instead of interrupting with your account.

Don't repeat. Telling the same tale is boring. If you're not certain, inquire: "Did I already tell you about our vacation in Sicily?"

Don't whisper. Whispering excludes others, even when they are not the target.

Watch your tone. Statements should not be worded as questions—"I went to the gym?" comes across as uncertain.

Mind your slang. Casual expressions are fine with friends but can come off as unprofessional in formal settings.

Use foreign words sparingly. Unless it’s your native language or a common term (like “smorgasbord”), using foreign phrases can sound pretentious.

Don’t correct people publicly. If someone mispronounces a word or uses incorrect grammar, only correct them privately—and only if you’re close.

The Art of Small Talk

Conversing informally—about the weather, sports, family, work, and the newest movies and music—can be an excellent way to connect. Conversations go smoothly for some; they bounce around for others. This is how to start a conversation and maintain it:

Stay up to date. Know what's going on in the news, in your community, and in entertainment and sports. Whether you read, listen to, or view current events regularly, you always have something to talk about.

Think about who you are talking to. Think about what they would be interested in. Ask questions of genuine interest, like, "How did you get into geocaching?" People enjoy being asked about things that are important to them.

Ask for their opinion. One of the easiest ways to start or keep a conversation going is to ask what someone else thinks. Instead of simply sharing what you have to say about a new movie or that item in the news, ask, "What did you think of it?"

Be a good listener. Don't sit there waiting for your turn to talk—actually listen to what the other has to say.

Get comfortable through practice. If you’re shy, start small by talking to people in low-pressure situations, like store clerks or people in line. A short exchange helps build confidence.

Conversation Pitfalls to Avoid

Talking Too Much About Yourself

It’s fine to share your experiences, but don’t dominate the conversation with “I” and “me.” A good conversation is a two-way street.

Oversharing Personal Details

Think twice before diving deep into personal matters like your health, love life, or family issues. Unless you’re very close with the person, keep those topics brief or private.

Family: It’s okay to mention your child’s award or your spouse’s promotion, but don’t go on unless the other person asks questions.

Money: Avoid talking about your salary or personal spending. General topics like rent or college tuition are more acceptable.

Romance: Avoid giving explicit sensual descriptions. Discuss relationships only with close friends.

Background: Only discuss your family background if the subject of conversation leads into it naturally.

Health: When asked "How are you?" use a brief general reply like "Doing all right, thanks" unless addressing a close friend in private.

Handling Controversial Topics

Although politics and religion can lead to some fascinating discussions, they can also lead to tension. It's better not to discuss sensitive issues in social gatherings such as parties. If the discussion begins becoming argumentative, try to say:

"Looks like we don't see eye-to-eye on this one—let's shift gears."

If things get too heated, it's fine to simply say:

"Let's agree to disagree."

Then redirect the discussion.

Avoid Gossip and Criticism

It's alright to talk about people we know, but backstabbing, rumor-spreading, or trashing other individuals is not helpful and can give you a negative impression.

If the individual starts gossiping, you might say:

"Ally is a friend—I'd rather not know."

"When are you and Joe going on vacation?"

If someone makes an inappropriate or prejudiced comment, act. You might say:

"Let's change the subject."

And if they persist, it's alright to walk away. 

Humor: Use It Wisely

It's wonderful to make people laugh, but be mindful. Humor should never come at the expense of others, particularly jokes regarding race, gender, religion, or background. Sarcasm and "inside jokes" don't travel well, particularly with new friends. 

Keep the humor light and positive. Think about observational or situational humor—something everyone can appreciate. 

What to Say in Life's Big Moments

When people share important news, your response depends on your relationship. If you’re close, a heartfelt reaction is natural. If not, a simple kind word is often enough.

Engagement or marriage: “That’s wonderful news!” or “I’m so happy for you.”

Compliments: Only compliment when you are sincere. A straightforward, "You did a great job" works wonderfully. When someone compliments you, just reply with "Thank you," and maybe add something like "I'm glad you think so."

Other Examples:

Pregnancy: "How exciting!" But don't advise or tell scary stories.

Miscarriage: "I'm so sorry." Don't say things like "It was meant to be."

Divorce: A safe thing to say is "Thanks for sharing" or "Best wishes to you."

Illness: "Sorry to hear that." Be helpful if you can, and don't pry.

Death: Only a plain "I'm thinking of you" or "I'm so sorry" is needed.

Job loss: "That must be tough—let me know if I can help." If you can help practically, even better.

Depression or addiction: If you're close, say "I'm here if you want to talk." Don't gossip.

Dealing with Nosy Questions

Some nosy individuals ask inappropriately personal questions such as:

"Why are you not married?"

"How much did that cost?"

You don't have to reply. Try:

"I'd rather not discuss that, if you don't mind."

Or deflect using light humor and then change the subject.

Taking the bait in a rude manner only lands you in hot water. Stay courteous and change the subject.

Conversation Killers to Steer Clear Of

Be respectful of whom you are talking to. These kinds of statements tend to offend or kill a conversation dead:

"When are you getting married/having kids?"

"Why haven't you had children yet?"

"Are you tired? You look it."

"You look great—have you gotten work done?"

"How much do you make?"

"Should you be eating that?"

 

"You live there?"

In short: Be kind, be curious, and think twice before speaking.