The good conversationalist.

Everyday Conversation: The Basics

Being good at everyday conversation means talking and listening equally—sharing your own ideas while showing genuine interest in the other person. Think of it like a game of catch: the goal is to keep the conversation going smoothly.

You don’t need to be super witty or have amazing stories all the time. Good conversation skills come down to being clear, kind, and a good listener. It also helps to be aware of how your tone and words come across—sometimes a poorly chosen phrase can confuse or offend, even when you mean well.

Key Habits of a Good Conversationalist

• Think before speaking. Be aware of how your words might be received. For example, don’t go on about your child’s awards if you're talking to someone without kids—it might not be the right audience.

• Listen actively. Many people are so focused on what they’ll say next that they don’t really hear what the other person is saying. Avoid that by really paying attention.

Tips for Better Listening

• Clear your mind and focus on the speaker.

• Make eye contact and use small phrases like “Really?” or “I see” to show you're engaged.

• Once you get a feel for their speaking rhythm, it’s easier to respond naturally without interrupting.

• If something isn’t clear, politely ask them to explain: “Wait—did you say the sun revolves around the earth?”

Handling Interruptions

• Only interrupt if it’s truly necessary, and always start with something like “Sorry to interrupt, but...”

• If you’re interrupted, try waiting a few seconds before continuing. A polite hand gesture can help signal you'd like to finish.

• Avoid snapping, *“Stop interrupting”—*it only adds to the rudeness.

Respecting Personal Space

• Keep a comfortable distance—about 18 inches apart is a good rule of thumb, though this varies by culture and personal comfort.

• If seated, lean in slightly to hear, but avoid crowding the other person.

• Be considerate of people with disabilities—don’t expect them to stand for long chats, and adjust your position so they’re comfortable speaking with you.

Body Language Matters

What you do physically can say as much as your words. Here are key points:

• Posture: Standing or sitting up straight shows interest and respect. Slouching looks lazy or bored.

• Facial expressions: A natural smile is inviting, but fake or constant smiling looks forced. A frown can give the wrong impression even if your words are friendly.

• Eye contact: Looking someone in the eye shows attention. Just don’t stare—glance away occasionally to avoid making it awkward.

• Gestures: Use hand gestures moderately. Fidgeting (with jewelry, pens, or keys) is distracting.

• Nodding: It shows you're following along, not necessarily agreeing. Too much nodding can seem insincere.

• Pointing: Avoid it—it often feels rude and can make people uncomfortable.

Your Voice and Word Choices

• Volume: Speak loud enough to be heard but not so loud that it feels aggressive.

• Pace: Don’t talk too fast (hard to follow) or too slowly (boring).

• Tone: Add variety to your voice to keep it lively—avoid speaking in a monotone.

• Enunciation: Pronounce words clearly. Avoid mumbling, but don’t over-enunciate to the point of sounding unnatural.

• Accent: Don't be ashamed of your accent. Speak clearly and repeat yourself if necessary. Never mock or call attention to someone else’s accent.

• Vocabulary: Use the right word, not the fanciest one. Speak plainly and naturally—avoid sounding overly formal or “showy.”

Common Speech Habits to Avoid

• Overusing filler words like “um,” “like,” “y’know.”

• Saying “awesome,” “great,” “literally,” or “actually” too often.

• Mixing up words—like using “lay” when you mean “lie,” or “me” when you should say “I.”

• Using big words when simple ones will do—like saying “retire” instead of “go to bed.”

When Someone Seems Distracted

If someone keeps looking away while you’re talking, it’s okay to call attention to it politely. Stop mid-sentence, glance in the same direction, and ask, “Is something happening over there?” This might gently bring their attention back to you.

Extra Tips for Smooth Conversations

• Know when to stop. Talking too much can seem self-centered. Talking too little may seem cold. Aim for balance—speak, but let others talk too.

• Don’t hijack stories. Let people tell their own tales instead of cutting in with your version.

• Avoid repetition. Repeating the same story gets boring. If you're unsure, ask: “Did I already tell you about our trip to Sicily?”

• Don’t whisper. Whispering makes others feel excluded, even if they’re not the topic.

• Watch your tone. Statements shouldn't sound like questions—“I went to the gym?” sounds unsure.

• Mind your slang. Casual expressions are fine with friends but can come off as unprofessional in formal settings.

• Use foreign words sparingly. Unless it’s your native language or a common term (like “smorgasbord”), using foreign phrases can sound pretentious.

• Don’t correct people publicly. If someone mispronounces a word or uses incorrect grammar, only correct them privately—and only if you’re close.

The Art of Small Talk

Chatting casually—about the weather, sports, family, work, or the latest movies and music—can be a great way to connect. Some conversations flow smoothly; others jump around. Here’s how to get a conversation started and keep it going:

• Stay informed. Know what’s going on in the news, in your local area, and in entertainment and sports. If you read, watch, or listen to current events regularly, you’ll always have something to bring up in conversation.

• Think about who you’re talking to. Consider what interests them. Ask questions that show genuine interest, like, “How did you get into geocaching?” People appreciate being asked about their passions.

• Ask for opinions. A simple way to start or keep a conversation going is to ask what the other person thinks. Instead of just saying what you think about a new movie or news story, ask, “What did you think of it?”

• Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk—really pay attention to what the other person is saying.

• Get comfortable through practice. If you’re shy, start small by talking to people in low-pressure situations, like store clerks or people in line. A short exchange helps build confidence.

Conversation Pitfalls to Avoid

Talking Too Much About Yourself

It’s fine to share your experiences, but don’t dominate the conversation with “I” and “me.” A good conversation is a two-way street.

Oversharing Personal Details

Think twice before diving deep into personal matters like your health, love life, or family issues. Unless you’re very close with the person, keep those topics brief or private.

• Family: It’s okay to mention your child’s award or your spouse’s promotion, but don’t go on unless the other person asks questions.

• Money: Avoid talking about your salary or personal spending. General topics like rent or college tuition are more acceptable.

• Romance: Leave out the intimate details. Save relationship talk for trusted friends.

• Background: Only bring up your family history if it fits naturally into the conversation.

• Health: When asked, “How are you?” a brief, general response like “Doing okay, thanks” is enough unless you’re speaking with a close friend in private.

Handling Controversial Topics

While politics and religion can spark interesting conversations, they can also cause tension. It’s best to avoid sensitive topics in social settings like parties. If the conversation starts getting heated, try saying:

“Looks like we don’t agree on this one—maybe we should change the subject.”

If things get really tense, it’s okay to simply say:

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

Then steer the conversation elsewhere.

Avoid Gossip and Criticism

It’s natural to talk about people we know, but talking behind someone’s back, spreading rumors, or criticizing others is harmful and can make you look bad.

If someone starts gossiping, you can respond with:

“Ally is a friend—I’d rather not hear that.”
“When are you and Joe going on vacation?”

If someone makes a rude or prejudiced comment, speak up. You might say:

“Let’s talk about something else.”

And if they continue, it’s okay to walk away.

Humor: Use It Wisely

Making people laugh is great, but be careful. Humor should never be at someone’s expense, especially jokes about race, gender, religion, or background. Sarcasm and “inside jokes” often don’t translate well, especially with new acquaintances.

Keep your humor positive and light. Think of observational or situational humor—something everyone can enjoy.

What to Say in Life’s Big Moments

When people share important news, your response depends on your relationship. If you’re close, a heartfelt reaction is natural. If not, a simple kind word is often enough.

• Engagement or marriage: “That’s wonderful news!” or “I’m so happy for you.”

• Compliments: Only give compliments when you mean them. A sincere, “You did a great job” goes a long way. If you receive one, just say “Thank you,” and maybe add something like “I’m glad you think so.”

Other Examples:

• Pregnancy: “How exciting!” But don’t offer advice or share scary stories.

• Miscarriage: “I’m so sorry.” Avoid saying things like “It was meant to be.”

• Divorce: A safe reply is “Thanks for telling me” or “Wishing you the best.”

• Illness: “I’m sorry to hear that.” Offer help if you can, and be respectful of privacy.

• Death: A simple “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m so sorry” is enough.

• Job loss: “That must be tough—let me know if I can help.” If you can provide practical support, even better.

• Depression or addiction: If you’re close, say “I’m here if you want to talk.” Respect their privacy and avoid gossiping.

Handling Nosy Questions

Some people ask too-personal questions like:

• “Why aren’t you married?”

• “How much did that cost?”

You don’t have to answer. Try:

“I’d rather not talk about that, if you don’t mind.”
Or use light humor to deflect and then change the subject.

Responding rudely only makes things worse. Stay polite and steer the conversation away.

Conversation Stoppers to Avoid

Be sensitive to who you’re talking to. These comments often make people uncomfortable or shut down a conversation completely:

• “When are you getting married/having kids?”

• “Why don’t you have kids yet?”

• “Are you tired? You look it.”

• “You look great—have you had work done?”

• “How much do you make?”

• “Should you be eating that?”

• “You live there?”

In short: Be kind, stay curious, and always think before you speak.